When John Lennon met Yoko Ono, she was an artist. You can say an experienced artist. When you attended one of her events she included you in the experience of her work.
My favorite love story is of John attending one of Yoko's art exhibits. At this event she displayed a tall ladder and you had to climb up to the ceiling where she had a piece of white paper waiting, with a single word written so small you had to use a magnifying glass, that she provided at the top, to read it.
The word on the paper was.... "yes."
In an interview he admitted that after reading that word, he knew he had to meet Yoko. Their love become a powerful force and "yes" was a central value they both held dearly in their union.
Yes. It is a powerful word. It is also what we listen for when hearing beneath our client's words. Can you hear the "yes" behind the "no"? Can you say to what is calling you? What can you gain from standing firmly in your "yes!"?
In Service to your Life Purpose,
Laurel Elders, PCC
Found of IICT
Today we are talking about taking charge in our life.
In one of our classes we examine the distinction between a Declaration and an Affirmation and why affirmations can fall flat.
Declaring is a powerful motivator. It is placing a flag in the ground and a statement of raw intent. Affirmations come in to support our declaration and help us stay out of the weeds as we move into what it is we are declaring.
When the will is strong enough, the way appears.
Today I'm sharing a poem that was shared with me by one of our faculty coaches, Tabitha. Thank you Tabitha!
I hope you enjoy.
In Service to your Life Purpose,
Imagine this. I’m waiting for class to start. It is 6th grade. I’ve been at this new school for over a year, yet, I’m so painfully shy that I have only one friend. There are two boys talking about me not too far away. They were talking about me being a snob because I didn’t talk to anyone.
My insides were yelling, “Snob!? If only you knew how much I wanted and ached to fit in here and have actual friends! Snob? All I do is care about people.”
Assumptions are one of the biggest pitfalls to human thinking. Illusions being the first, and the basis for assumptive reasoning. The good news is… different times, different things.
Earlier this year we explored how every asset can have a liability if it gets out of balance. This is the heart of today’s teaching as well.
The positive side of our human capacity to hold an assumption is…. faith.
Imagine this. I was a single mom when I had my second a breakaway moment. I decided I was sick of living in fear over money and decided I was done. Either the universe had my back, or it didn’t. In a way, I needed to test it out.
I agreed to pay all the bills that effected my credit first and trust that the money to pay the utilities (that didn’t affect my credit) would be on its way.
My assumption, “I am always provided for. Things always work out. Always.”
Guess what happened? I got a few pink notices threatening to turn off water and electric. I said to myself, that is nice they are sending bills in color now and kept my assumption firmly intact, “I am always provided for. Things always work out. Always.”
To my surprise, and relief, the universe never failed to provide. My lights were never turned off and I had my candles ready, believe me. My income started rising and stabilizing. I learned we have a spiritual thermostat that we can adjust, when we adjust.
Looking back, it wasn't all fun and games. It started when I lept with faith. I then a few times wept, but with grace. But soon thereafter I began to survive and then eventually I learned to thrive.
I now am always one month ahead on my bills. I reversed the very strong pattern of fear through the power of positive assumption. The teachings of abundance, I learned are alive and well.
With faith, we do not have evidence that something is, or can be.
“Faith, derived from Latin “fides” and Old French “feid”, is confidence or trust in a person, thing, or concept.” Oxford Living Dictionaries Retrieved March 1, 2019
The Course in Miracles teaches, “There is no problem in any situation that faith will not solve.” 17.VII.2:1
To experience truly remarkable outcomes requires solvency, resolve and requires faith.
In coaching your faith in your client invites them to cultivate a deeper faith in themselves. Faith therefore is the inception point of new potentials.
I feel deeply honored, inspired and grounded to be in this budding profession. Coaching is the most profound approach I’ve ever come across and trust me I’ve done a lot of searching in my days.
To sum up my personal experience:
Life without coaching = frustrating, confusing, stressful, anxiety ridden.
Life with coaching = amazing, wonderful, inspiring, spontaneous, abundant.
Becoming a trained coach is a pivot point for most people I’ve talked to. Coaching helps us become more masterful at communicating, not only with others, but also with ourselves.
Coaching approaches help us to not get sucked into a problem, but to start visualizing solutions we can bridge with.
Coaching helps us get to the heart of a matter instead of staying on the surface and spinning wheels.
Coaching is one skill-set that has the ability to positively impacts all areas of our life.
I’ve never heard the words, “I’m so disappointed I completed that coaching program, gosh darnit.” come out of anyone's mouth. Quite the contrary!
Coach training pivots lives, professionally of course, but in my opinion it is the personal pivots that are also so profound to witness.
In light of my love for coaching, I’ve compiled three things that pleasantly surprised me about coaching. My hope is that the pleasantly inspire you.
Solutions are never found in the worry. Anytime we are facing a problem and we remain in the problem, the solution is much harder to see, it is clouded. When we are stuck in worry our values, insights and wisdom's are cloudy to us. Einstein’s wisdom has meaning here. “No problem can be solved by the same level of consciousness that created it.”
The heart is the metaphor for the Highest Self within us all. It has our wisest answers, is our wisest counselor and knows what is aligned with our core values because it is the harbinger of our truth. A masterful coach introduces people to the Highest aspects of themselves waiting within.
Anytime we need a solution, an answer, a piece of wisdom our heart is always ready, willing and waiting to provide. Clouds do not take away the sun. The heart is always ready to serve our highest aims.
2. What is in your heart is just the start!
What does it mean to find one’s self? Once we find our heart, our true self, our Highest Self, we have found ourselves. It is like coming home.
Furthermore, once we find ourselves we then have the opportunity to create ourselves. We get to choose who we wish to be in the world and what we wish to accomplish. This is profound way to live life and where life starts to become truly miraculous!
Getting to the heart is just the start. In our heart we are most aligned, and therefore our answers more enlightened and therefore our outcomes more miraculous.
Home truly is where the heart is.
3. We do not create possibilities.
What!? Yes, that is correct. We do not create possibilities. Possibilities already exist. What we do, think, and who we choose to be, either gives us access to possibilities or blocks us from them. They don’t ever go away and we can gain access to them at any point.
This is why in coaching we get to experience a transformation being only one perspective shift away at all times and how a mustard seed moves a mountain.
As a matter of fact my struggles are what brought me into the world of self-development. I was so stressed and burnt out by my early twenties that I turned my experiences into a joke and would say “well, at least my life is never boring.”
Yep, a "wrong lane" excuse. I was leading an undeveloped life and I had no clue there was another option. I lived in fear and therefore everything was always coming at me in one form or another. Not enough money to make ends meet, feeling anxious all day and major weight gain from stress eating.
In the Enneagram, Riso-Hudson tradition, they introduced Levels of Development. These levels are brilliant at measuring personal growth. They teach that the more disintegrated (think undeveloped) one is, the more predictable a person’s behavior and reactivity levels are.
Once we develop out of our patterned ways of beings, like defense mechanisms for example, we can live a whole-hearted life by responding to life in resourced ways and our ego has less of a hold on us. The result, our potential is accessible and the Essence of True Self can then emerge.
After plopping myself into coaching and doing the inner-work, my outer world began to reflect what was happening within. Being resourced, ready and revived about life I began to dispel the fear, the stress eating and financial stressors. A whole new world was available to me, yet was ironically here all along.
Once we choose to step into our human potential and develop our responsiveness, inner resourcefulness and abilities, then life becomes more like a flowing river to raft down with rocks to navigate, versus attempting to swim in a rapid upstream and getting all banged up.
There is a huge cost to not developing. The cost is our inner-peace. The cost is our ability for responsiveness. The cost is struggle, strife and stress. All of which can impede on our health, wealth and wisdom; body, mind and spirit.
It would seem then that anyone undeveloped could not succeed in life then. Quite the contrary. Defense mechanisms can get anyone quite far up the corporate latter for example. One way this shows up in corporate is known as the “bully boss”. The overall cost though, is true personal fulfillment for the boss and happiness for the employee. Yes, success is still possible, but will include a cost.
The distinction here is that:
There are big costs to success achieved
while operating through defenses.
There are also some costs to developing. We have to be willing to face our ego, to self-reflect and to be willing to try new ways of being. This can feel very uncomfortable, at least in the beginning. Yet, it leads to our ability to hold long-term success with ease, whole-hearted joy and personal fulfillment.
I call the beginning stages of self-development work the weed pulling stage. In the beginning it feels like hard work to self-examine and with honesty. The good news is that the cost here is mostly only a few blows to the ego. Our True Self is thanking us!
Our potential is reached after the weeds have been pulled, we’ve cleared the grounds to plant the seeds we desire to have in our lives and the fruits of our own labor are truly the most beautiful.
In essence, the “costs” of self-development only feel like costs in the beginning, the weed pulling stage. Once the weeds are pulled and the freedom of living weed free is experienced, the freedom we experience takes on a momentum of its own and the possibilities become miraculous.
"Miracles are natural.
When they do not occur
Something has gone wrong.”
A Course In Miracles, 1:1:9
In coaching we have a partner to help us unfold, to help us develop latent strengths and unearth the essence of our True Self. When our True Self is finally running the show, this is a game changer without a cost attached.
Today we are living in times where people age chronologically, yet don’t always work towards reaching their potential emotionally, relationally, socially or spiritually. When I was growing up I noticed we have a lot of olders, but very very few elders to guide us.
Currently, there are many avenues for self-development.
In many wisdom, religious and spiritual traditions there are pathways for someone to face themselves, look at their life and choose to mature into their best self.
Outside of these wisdom traditions, we have family and friendship life. Some families and/or friends set goals together, hold each other accountable and grow together.
Other avenues are sports and even hobbies. Having someone mentor us through our growth to reach a greater goal in a sport or a hobby helps us refine our potential.
We also have books from experts sharing their research, ideas and experiences. Authors sharing their wisdom can help us understand life in new ways and reach new landmarks.
In a perfect world, we would all grow up with all of these avenues for development surrounding us like a rich garden of fruits to choose from. Yet, many of us grow up without any of these… unless we seek them out.
Let’s look at another side now.
Have you ever worked with a boss that was emotionally respectful, inspiring and supportive? Have you ever seen a company that looked at any area they would impact and choose to do good with their services in all areas, not just one? Have you ever experienced a friend that was great when things were great and even stronger in the face of adversity?
I’m willing to bet these experiences are rarer. They are all examples of people who have invested in self-development.
When we self-develop we:
When we are not self-developed we default to:
You can see the benefits are night and day.
So why don’t more of us self-develop?
I’m not going to pretend to know the answer to this question, because I believe the answer is different for everyone. What I can say is that “to develop, or not to develop” is but a choice.
When we step into coaching we are choosing to self-develop and actualize our potential. Truly powerful self-development happens in relationship, where someone can mirror us, challenge us, “get” us and help us see farther than we could on our own.
In integrative coaching we take coaching even further. We invite the client into self-awareness. With self-awareness we can catch and eliminate self-deception. This is the birthplace of new wisdom. The lens of integrative intelligence then takes any new wisdom and/or self-understanding and bridges it into all areas of life, leading to true fulfillment. New wisdom then increases capacity to hold and sustain long-term successes. Integrative coaching truly yields heart warming, mind empowering and spirit lifting rewards.
Join us next week for Part Two – The “Costs” of Development
Do you want to become an Integrated Coach?
We are now accepting applicants for our IICT Fall Certification Program.
Is 2019 the year you level up? We can help you get there!
The application link: >> Online Application
Click here for full Certificate Information
Any questions? We are here to help.
Feel free to call or text me to schedule a time to learn more about IICT.
Tabitha Danloe, CPIC, PCC
Life & Business Coach
Cell / Text / Voicemail
As a result, I grew up very depressed and became rebellious against social norms. In middle school I was that quiet-angry-punk-rock-goth-girl who only wore black, kept my head down and only listened to The Cure. That was me trying to be different, but ironically, only as different as all the other “punk rock new wavers”.
I just really scratched my head at what I thought was a "horrible" world I had been born into. Think about it, from racism to melting ice-caps to sex-trafficking at Walmart, the world humans created is complicated.
Even if we choose to not talk about it, we all feel the impact of these things in hearts each time the next news flash goes by.
My chronic linear focus on what was "wrong", drew me to an equally linear conclusion.
I concluded that we must have
reached our potential as a human race and
we were now headed downhill.
What I discovered is that my conclusion was sorely short-sited.
I discovered that we are only a fraction towards reaching our human potential. Furthermore, things were so “off” because we haven’t even experienced true success on a larger scale yet.
Most people, and most company teams, operated through linear thinking. This linear thinking was delivering equally linear results. The problem with linear results is they don't yield truly successful outcomes. Let me share an example.
If I say to you, “Hey, guess what!? I achieved my goal and created this stellar million dollar company!” Most people would be like, “Wow, congrats, that is amazing! Good work!” followed by a high-five. And if my goal is linear, like going from zero to a million, and I hit that marker, then I can consider myself a true success, right?! I can even call my company “stellar” because it met my limited criteria.
Ok, let’s look at the broader truth. What if I came to you and said, “Hey guess what?! I created this stellar million dollar company! Our products pollute the ocean and our employees are all unhappy and overworked, but that’s ok because we moved our base across seas and employ children as young as eight years, on the cheap, to keep our costs down.”
To you I ask, have I reached true success?
Is anything a true success if it also initiates negative impact?
I say no. True success doesn't include failure.
Wouldn't true success encompass successful outcomes in all areas an endeavor reaches? For example, "Hey guess what?! I created this amazing million dollar company! Our products are 100% biodegradable, our product line is run on 100% solar, our employee base is like a large supportive family and our turnover is lower than any other company in our sales bracket for over a decade. We have so much left over after all the high end profit sharing that we donate all the excess to support families struck by poverty."
Again, most companies want to be successful in all areas, they just started out with linear goals and gotten themselves limited solutions. Time to pivot.
Understand this. Even the way success is defined in the dictionary points directly to this unintended limitation we've placed on human potential.
1. the accomplishment of an aim or purpose.
2. a person or thing that achieves desired aims or attains prosperity.
Can you see the singular focus? Interesting isn't it.
If true success doesn't include failure then the dictionary might read:
1. the successful outcomes created as a result of an accomplishment or purpose.
2. surpassing desired aims and attaining prosperity, for self and others, as a result.
Can you see the movement from the linear into the expanded? It is a huge difference in implication.
Linear thinking creates limitation, intended or not. Linear solutions are prone to unintended consequences because they are, by their very nature, short-sighted solutions.
I have good news though! The problems we face nowadays are not due to a lack of intelligence. We are highly intelligent, but we are not yet integratively intelligent.
I am willing to bet not one company team started out saying, "I want to cause damage to the environment and take more for myself than I want to provide for my staff."
Yet, they may have started out saying, "Let's create a million dollar company!" and then got lost in the excitement, cut corners, and sold out their values for venues.
Not one person would say, “Yes, I want to swim in a disgusting polluted dying ocean!! Wooho!” Not one. Yet, that is very sadly what is happening.
So, we've failed to see through the lens true success. That is ok. We can start now.
So, we've forgot to choose the outcome that made the millions and left positive impacts in multiple areas. That is ok. We can expand our vision and engage our full potential.
So, we've settled for the money goal and ignore, justify, or numb out, the guilt each night. That is ok. We can align with our values whenever we choose and touch people's lives in positive ways as we do so.
Envision a global company that solved more problems than it created economically, socially, politically, relationally, environmentally and fiscally. You can’t tell me we are not intelligent enough to pull this off. Yet, if we don't include aspects of the whole, we can and will miss the true mark of human potential.
So do we have yet to tap into our human potential? Heck yes we do! And I'm excited to be a part of the movement towards integrative thinking and true human potential.
This is the good news!
Integrative coaches are one way humanity is helping humanity shift into more positive and impactful solutions in all areas, not just one or two.
Integrative means to include all aspects. This lens of intelligence helps people see farther, dig deeper, include their core values into their work/life, remove obstacles and minimize limitation. As we do so, people start to truly thrive.
What I challenge our politicians, leaders and companies to say is... "Challenge accepted! Yes, let's create the solutions that only have positive impact in all areas we reach!"
It has been said we are living in pivotal times. So let's pivot!
Are you with me?
The key word here is “access”. Possibilities are all around us at all times. We do not create possibilities. They are already there. We create access to the possibilities when we respond in ways that grant access. In essence as coaches we help a client clear the blockages to their potentials, and this process naturally grants them access to the possibilities surrounding them.
For example: If I’m stuck in a self-deception cycle of “I’m limited” and as a result I am reactive with my co-workers, I’m less likely to get that promotion I wanted because my capacity for being fluent with my team was so low. The possibility is there, but I'm blocked from accessing it.
In essence, our potential correlates to our ability to increase our capacity, opening the door to opportunities and granting access to more and more possibilities. Life gets exciting at this point because we then get to choose which ones we want to step into.
Also, there is an irony in the definition of potential. When we define it, we limit it.
What I mean by this is that by defining potential, we then put a box around and can unintentionally limit it. Yet, ironically we need to define it to head in the direction of it. Head scratching!
In masterfully approaching our potential then it is best to not attach to our goals for our potential as if they were the end all. Then, when we reach the goals of our potential, to redefine them in new ways, or not at all.
The other key is to unfold in the direction of our potential and not away from it. This is where teachers and coaching comes in. They ensure we are unfolding in the correct direction. This sounds like a no brainer, however, it is a common error to completely “go it alone”. (I say completely, because part of our work is on, and of, our own.)
This is especially important when we
go through the phase of growth
where self-deception is harder to detect.
Anytime we enter completely new territory we are more susceptible to self-deception because it is harder to detect.
The tricky thing about self-deception is that we often can’t see we are being clouded by it. This is where a teacher or coach steps in to help counter illusions we face during the growth process.
Coaching is a very key short-cut to our potential.
We can't fix what we don't see.
Over 3 decades ago a distinction came into being. There was a budding awareness that true empowerment comes from within. No matter how much advice I get, I will not feel as inspired until my inner yes lights up.
Coaching was the answer to the question: "How does one help someone move beyond learning success externally to learning success internally?"
Success can be taught, yet, only up to a point. There is a point where one's potential can only be found when they relinquish learning externally and dig deep within for answers... their answers.
The Course in Miracles states: "You have [been] taught what you are. You have yet to allow what you are teach you."
Coaching was born of the recognition that true potential comes from an inner exploration, uprooting limited beliefs, locating the wisdom of the True Self.
The term coaching was also born when people, like Thomas Leonard, learned that other modalities were already in place and not capturing the essence of what was happening in coaching.
Consultants gave specialized advice and information. Therapists guided their patients to emotional healing. Mentors and clergy offered advice on how to approach a trial. Yet, there was nothing yet that truly captured the heart and essence of the process that invoked a person's own wisdom to come forth.
So over a decade ago, the distinction of coaching was born.
The term coach, comes from the horse and buggy days. Coaches didn't have a fixed point of reference. A coach showed up and the person hiring the coach said, "I'd like to go to the beach. " And the coach proceeded in the direction the client asked.
In both therapy and consulting there is a set path and destination that the therapist and consultant provide.
In coaching, the client is the one in the driver's seat at all times, "Sir, please take me by Woolsworth on the way to the beach."
This concept, of facilitating wisdom to come forth, is also secretly captured in the ancient text of the Tao Te Ching:
“A leader is best
When people barely know he exists.
Of a good leader, who talks little,
When his work is done, his aim fulfilled,
They will say, “We did this ourselves.”
― Lao Tzu
In coaching, as compared to other modalities, we lead by following the wisdom of the client and we hold the container to get them to their destination.
Visit the ICF to learn of the milestones made in the formation and stabilization of professional coaching standards: >> CLICK HERE <<
Last week I ran across this hilarious video on Facebook (of course right?!). In under 4 minutes this facilitator showed a visual of the game I called "telephone" as a kid.
In telephone, there is a line up of ten or more people. One person starts with a phrase and has to whisper it, just once, in their neighbor's ear. That person that received the phrase then has to whisper it to their neighbor. And so on and so forth.
What is fascinating is that by the time the phrase reaches the last person in the line up, it has changed. Like clockwork.
It is a truly funny and yet highly informative game of how human interpretation is fallible and represents how rumors spread.
This is important to note. We have abstract brains, capable of grasping great truths, or getting imprisoned by our own illusions. It is easy for us to get swayed into illusion, unil we become aware and can catch self-deception before it starts. This is the power of coaching and how we help our clients navigate.
Powerful coaching helps clients move from self-deception into self-empowerment, the slippery ground of illusion to the solid footing of truth and from littleness to greater magnitude.
Without further ado, check out today's hilarious video that illustrates how easy it is for our interpretations to shift! Let me know in the comments how you see this occur in your life. Do you?
In Service to Your Life Purpose,
Laurel Elders, PCC
Senior Faculty of IICT
This week I have a two for one resource for you! Simon Sinek is interviewed by one of my favorite podcast hosts Jennifer Morgan.
Simon talks about the important differences between ethical decision making and lawful decision making.
We are learning that viewing success through an integrative lens raises the bar on what true success is. If a "success" has a negative outcome, intended or not, then it is not true success. This is the heart of integrative intelligence.
If you are a follower of Conscious Capitalism and enjoy the gaps that integrative intelligence is closing, you will love this.
Two brilliant people in one room. Watch out!
In Service to Your Life Purpose,
Laurel Elders, PCC
Senior Faculty IICT
Good news! Coaching is expanding in popularity, reach and scope. People no longer ask: "What sport do you coach?" when I state I'm a coach.
Coaches nowadays are being hired by companies, individuals, leaders and business owners. The challenging news is that coaching can still be misunderstood by some. Coaching is still establishing itself as a budding profession.
The good news is that now is an excellent time to get into coaching! The challenge is that you may have to educate folks on what actual coaching is.
We also market ourselves differently than other professionals so that we reach more clients and create successful businesses.
Being a professional coach, it is important to know what misunderstandings exist so that we can speak to them professionally, in the event we run into them.
Below I've provided a list of the five most prominent misunderstandings and a response to professionally handle them. Feel free to adapt these responses to your own language as you see fit. Or use them as a springboard to consider your own truth to share around coaching.
#1 - Coaching is a light form of counseling.
Response: I used to think so too and what I learned is that coaching is its own unique discipline with tools and skill-sets very unique from therapy and counseling methods. Would you like to learn more?
#2 - Coaching doesn't go deep.
Response: True coaching doesn't go into trauma. However, for people ready to expand coaching goes as deep as you want to take it. Professionally trained coaches have the tools and skills to meet you exactly where you are at. If an issue is outside of the scope of coaching the coach will let you know.
#3 - Coaching is that ra-ra stuff on TV.
Response: Yes, coaching can be motivational! There is so much more coaching does beyond what the media has portrayed. You can recognize a true coach when you look at what credentials they hold. Would you like to learn more?
#4 - Coaches are replacing therapists.
Response: There is a lot of misunderstanding and misinformation on what coaching actually is and is not. Coaches do not diagnosis or treat emotional illness, like a therapist is trained and licensed to do. Actually, coaches work with already healthy and success people and have tools and skills to help them capitalize on their strengths. Coaching is future, goal and action oriented. Therapy goes into the past and focuses on healing.
#5 - I want to work with you, I need all the advice I can get!
Response: Great! The approach of the coach is not to give advice, however, what the coaching will do is set you up to access your own authentic answers and develop your own wisdom. It is self-advice. Shall we schedule a free session so can experience what I mean? It is a truly great process!
The bottom line, it is normal to run into confusion in any profession. It is easy to feel frustrated around misunderstandings, so I invite you instead to see them opportunities to education and connect with people and then also invite them to try coaching out.
What can you do take a misunderstanding and turn it into a learning opportunity?
By Laurel Elders, PCC with contributions by Sandy Hogan, PCC
Your heart sinks. You just realized you forgot to follow through on an important task. Important to you and important to your colleague that is relying on you.
Immediately feelings of embarrassment, dismay and aggravation kick in. Not only that, you feel disheartened to have let someone else down.
Mistakes happen. They are a normal part of being human. No matter how much planning, preventing, structuring we do... they still happen.
Some mistakes may have bigger consequences to ourselves, or an impact on other people, than others.
In our coach training, we teach a truly powerful model called Compassionate Communication. Also known as Nonviolent Communication. One wonderful aspect of this approach is that it applies to such a vast array of human dilemmas and has the ability to restore connection, peace and flow.
Compassionate Communication has been found highly effective in everything from warring communities in the Middle East, to effective parenting, to coaching, to self-esteem.
It is no surprise then that applying this model to mistake-making helps us acknowledge and claim the results of our words (or lack of words) and/or actions (or inactions).
There are four ingredients:
For example, with a mistake, we can own it and say:
We typically do not look through the lens of these four ingredients. Humans very typically get stuck in the weeds of judgment and emotions. To be of best serve, we can get to the heart of the issue by removing the judgment.
Progress is made when we relinquish avoidance and get real. Connection occurs when we relinquish minimizing and face the true. Healing a hurting relationship transpires when we relinquish attack and instead invite a solution.
Compassionate communication is powerful journey to take with ourselves and definitely with others when we make mistakes. We truly can bring care into anything and everything we do.
To learn more, you may wish to check out the work by Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg calledNonviolent Communication; A Language for Life >> CLICK HERE <<
Last October I was invited to join the panel of speaker evaluators for TedX Tucson and be one of the speaker coaches. Ideas are something I'm passionate about, so I jumped on board!
This week I have an interview to share. I interviewed Tamica Sears of the Corporate Fixer about how coaching skills impacted her career path as an HR Professional. Tamica came to us with a passion for coaching and excellence. Tamica is an IICT graduate and an executive coach.
In Service to your Life Purpose,
Laurel Elders, PCC
Senior Faculty and Founder of IICT
In this modern era we are faced with an unspoken challenge. Ken Wilber, the philosopher behind integral theory, noticed that we have many people that grow up, yet fewer people wake up. We have many people that have gotten older, yet few people that we go to as an elder.
An elder in some cultures is the wise guide that people in a community can turn to for support and mentoring.
Yet, there is an elder among us all that is ready to serve. This elder is not whom you would think, or even approach, or seek out. This elder is accessible and ready to serve whenever called upon.
This wise elder is found at the apex of coaching. Coaching is the newest elder on the scene. Coaching is introducing people to their own empowerment, their own wisdom and their own potentials. Not by advising or guiding the way for them. But, by introducing them to Themselves. The self waiting to come forward. The wisest part of self, the most aligned part of self, the authentic part of self.
No other other modality, that I'm aware of, can breach limitations at this level.
"You have taught [yourself] what you are,
but you have not let what you are teach you."
~ A Course In Miracles
This week I invite you to allow yourself to teach yourself. Put the next self-help book down (you can always read it later through a new lens) and instead go inside. What does your heart have to say about.... ?
Every coach has the tools to hold a bigger space for us to meet the elder within. Every coach has the skills to help you see farther, dig deeper and help you ensure you are unfolding in the right direction.
Can you imagine living a world where people are connected to their wisest self sooner than later? Companies that begin with the end in mind? Leaders that care about the health of the whole because they are connected to their values? I can and I am proud to be a part of this profound solution we call coaching.
In coaching, we come home to Our-self, our best self, our brightest self, our most inspiring self. And, we find that home truly is where the heart is. And this is why coaching is the next elder, waiting to support us in ways we never could have imagined on our own, in this next chapter of human evolution.
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On the coaching path we encounter paradoxes every now and then. We see this in our clients when they feel stuck in the seeming paradox of black and white thinking. A dilemma of "this or that".
Through coaching, the veil of limit is removed to uncover the gray areas life offers. Then eventually, if the client is willing, they see the full spectrum of colorful choices they have to choose from.
Black and white thinking is just one paradox we coaches bump up against.
Before we dive in further, let’s look at what a paradox actually is.
Paradox by Google definition:
Noun- A situation, person, or thing that combines contradictory features or qualities.
First, I want to share that I do not believe in paradox as a “thing” that exists in reality. I find it odd that it is classified as a noun.
Here is why...
What we deem a paradox is the way we conceptualize a limit placed on our ability to perceive the whole. When those limits are removed, we see all aspects and illumination sets in. We see this in masterful coaching all the time.
In other words, when we sentient human beings that are limited to only the six senses and by what our scientific tools cannot measure, view two perspectives that seem to oppose, we label it a paradox.
In this context, paradox is a problem of perceptual juxtaposition only.
The idea being, the bigger the picture we can see, the more interconnectivity becomes clarified. In essence, the more we view life integratively the more paradox and limits are dispelled.
How can we move our clients out of paradox? We help then see the whole picture of possibilities.
In all of my years as a coach, there is one paradox that stands out the most. This paradox is the cause of confusion, heart-ache and in more extreme circumstances, abuse of personal power.
This paradox is: Every asset carries a liability.
This seems illogical. How can an asset also have a liability attached? Yet, as one of my mentors many decades ago said, “Different times. Different things.”
Take compassion for instance. If a person has an overload of compassion, many of us would be impressed and may think, “Wow, what a wonderful personal characteristic to embody.” Compassion is indeed an asset.
When I was 15 I was in a horrific car accident, flung from the cabin of a truck going 80 mph. The doctor placed his hand on my shoulder in the ER, looked into my eyes and said with deep compassion, “It is ok. You are going to be ok.” His compassion saved me from complete overwhelm and panic. His compassion was a huge asset to me.
How can there be a downside to compassion?! Paradoxically speaking, there is.
Consider the person that remains in an abusive relationship months or years too many, because the abuser claims that if they "leave the relationship, then they would be leaving them in pain". That is the time when the wonderful characteristic of compassion turned from an asset into a liability. Different times, different things.
Can a liability be an asset?
Seems illogical. Yet, the answer is yes.
Let’s look at anger. Many would say anger is a liability and hurts many people. This is accurate. Anger has hurt many people, destroyed relationships, careers and lives.
However, if that same anger is used to take one’s power back and draw a line in the sand in the face of injustice then that liability has become an asset.
In the case above where too much compassion was enabling abuse to continue, drawing the line in the sand is the asset and it may take the power of anger to light that fire.
The paradox buster here is location. When does the asset or the liability show up?
There is an ancient Toltec teaching of “Victim, Warrior, Master”. If someone is stuck in victim then anything done through victim can’t help but have a liability attached.
Warrior is needed to step out of victim. It takes the person being abused to stop the cycle, rarely the abuser. In warrior, they take a stand for themselves and leaving abuse in the dust.
Yet, if someone is stuck in warrior too long this can turn into a liability, or a pushing against life. Different times, different things.
Here is where location becomes really profound!
Anything done in master is an asset. The master lives through the wisdom of balance. When is compassion too much? When is compassion too little? When is anger too much? When is anger too little? The master responds to life and adjusts accordingly from a higher perspective.
This is the brilliance we offer our clients as integrative coaches.
As a coach, we reflect back when we observe our client living “in balance”, or “out of balance”. We inquire if a motivation is coming from victim, or warrior, or master. We hold space for master to step in and begin answering life’s biggest quandaries.
This level of awareness rests at the heart of true integration. The journey from warrior to master is where alchemy transpires. The quest for excellence is the birthplace of human brilliance.
What is possible when clients are moved out of paradox and into possibility?
How can you use the paradox of asset/liability to become more masterful in your coaching?
When can you help your clients see if they are stuck in victim or warrior for too long?
Apparently we all have a Zone of Genius. It is the space where our genius comes alive. You could say it is where your life purpose shines through. It is where you are in harmony with your innate potential.
Last article we looked at how we can harbor an internal setting that keeps us limited. Today we will look at one powerful leap towards raising the bar.
In Hendricks's book the Big Leap he identifies four zones we can operate through:
This can be really hard if you are floating happily in Excellence land. It feels good to stay there because you get recognition easily and people love that you are excellent at what you do. Same with Competence land.
Decades ago I had quit an administrative job as a Registrar and Admissions Director. It was where I excelled and I was asked to come back on multiple occasions. It was so tempting, yet I knew it was not my genius work. Coaching was my genius work. Taking abstract concepts and breaking them down into small easy to digest strategies was my genius work. I'm so grateful I said no, or I wouldn't be bringing you fun and empowering resources each week. So much more fun than crushing data points!
So, I'll ask you. Do you know what your Genius work is? Are you living there now? How often do you visit your Genius and allow it to bring you towards new important areas in your life?
Happy Monday! Hope you had a restorative weekend.
Did you know that a goldfish will grow to match the size of its surroundings? Fascinating. If a goldfish is kept in a small bowl, it stays small. If it is transferred into a larger tank, it grows larger.
I find this to be a powerful metaphor for coaching. As we help our clients see farther, think broader, their capacity expands.
The next few weeks I'll be doing a review of some of the key capacity expanding concepts outlined in The Big Leap, by Gay Hendricks.
In Hendricks's book he brings up the concept of an internal thermostat.
He outlines that there is an internal setting we all have that kicks in when we've reached the "upper limit" of being comfortable with success. He says we all have a setting and most of us are unconscious about what our setting is.
The first thing to look at is your core fear and success. Not failure. Success.
He outlines the most common and calls these our "barriers".
Next, identify what behaviors indicate the fear has taken the driver's wheel. For example, do you worry, punish yourself or those around you, get sick or hurt, or deflect?
Last, when we catch the behavior we can flip the script. So, when I catch myself worrying I realize that my fear of being flawed has taken over and I can remind myself... "Welp. We are all flawed. And that is beautiful."
Which fear do you most harbor around success from the list above? What is the truth on the other side of the fear? Is success really a burden? No, you can handle it. Will you really leave behind people you love? Not if you don't want to and by stepping into your potential you invite others to step into theirs. Etc.
What behavior patterns do you succumb to when the fear of success shows up?
What script will you choose when these show up?
What does your life feel like without the fear?
How has it been going grappling with Einstein Time? Feel free to let me know in the comments if it worked for you. I'd love to hear from you!
Today is a video on the Myths of Coaching. To those new to coaching, you may find this a fun and engaging overview. For those of you in coaching, feel free to use this video as a resource.
Enjoy your week!
In Service to your Life Purpose,
Laurel Elders, PCC
Founder / Senior Faculty
So then what is Einstein's time?
Last week we looked at shifting perspective.
www.integrativecoachtraining.com/Care to learn an integrative, illuminating
Last week we focused on coaching the whole brain. This week we are looking at what to do when the brain is stuck in rumination and circling.
The ICF featured Lisa Rogoff as she discusses steps to take with a client that is stuck in a ruminating pattern. Ending the Rumination Game for Our Clients
Enjoy your week!
In Service to your Life Purpose,
Laurel Elders, PCC, IICT Founder/Senior Faculty
www.integrativecoachtraining.com/Care to learn an integrative, illuminating
By Laurel Elders, PCC
IICT Founder / Senior Faculty